Did you NOT go with your first impulse to say "No, thank you" and succumbed to the "should", "must", "have to" of holiday time social gathering? Well kids, get your boxing gloves on! Here is a cheatsheet to survive the melee as best you can (and mentally note who's really on your side).

Download a FREE graphic reminder for your phone HERE (selfie ring light SWEEPSTAKES!).

Trust your gut instinct - the brain can mire you in endless logic loops, the heart can trick you with warning or warming stories of past. Your gut, on the other hand, is very basic and answers in plain old "Yes" or "No". Try it.

Pay attention to your feelings - how you feel matters. They are signals alerting you that something's not right either about how you are being treated or about a need you value in life, not being met. 

Are you triggered? - you feel flushed all of a sudden, you want to yell but are choked up, you have a hard lump in your throat, you feel ashamed, eyes well up with tears, you get very angry, your heart beat is racing, you want to be anywhere but here, you start complying with things you don't want to do, you put yourself down, you use comic relief to dispel your unease, you stare wordlessly in horror, you pretend you did not hear or understand something rude, you have an unusually emotional outburst, etc.

What's your game plan? - You know your aunt or brother is going to say/do this. How will you respond differently to throw them off? (walk away, laugh, don't engage, picture them in their underwear, say "Yes, your right!" (& nothing else), be vague, change the topic, start another conversation with someone else, keep moving so they will have to keep following you around, take bathroom/fresh air breaks, say you just recovered from a serious virus while touching their hand, etc... :))

Make Space and Time your best friend - do not commit to anything in the moment. Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Don't plan on spending hours in a place you are not comfortable in. (a few time/space friendly excuses are: I'll check my social calendar back home and get back to you later, I won't be able to answer that immediately, I'll have to ask my babysitter, my work has me working unscheduled hours, hmm..interesting.., that was intense - let me think about it, hey I see someone I know - I'll be back!). Hem, haw and feint your way out of a tight spot. Don't let that inner voice guilt you.

Channel Your Inner Toddler (if you dare) - say no, No, NO!, and another helping of Nooooo! If they think poorly of you then you must go out of your way to give them every reason to. Have fun and throw an unreasonable fit while you're at it:).

Boundaries - think back to the last time you displayed intense emotion. Your outburst or suffering will tell you that someone knowingly or unknowingly stepped on something you really care about. Those are your boundaries. What you like or dislike, what you want or don't want. Stay away from people who repeatedly do not respect your boundaries. They are telling you that you don't matter. Don't sacrifice yourself to please them. They don't care.

Share responsibility - there will always be some of us who will shirk responsibility of tasks or feelings and make someone else do or feel them. And then there are those of us who enable them. Call it moral laziness or over zealous functioning. Neither is healthy. Stay connected (I care about you) but don't do more than your share (boundaries). You are giving everybody around you a chance to grow up and have a potentially meaningful relationship with you.

Self Care - take care of yourself, especially before social gatherings, by eating healthfully, hydrating regularly, rest/sleeping well. Drink in moderation socially, take short walks even if it is up and down stairs. Decide to put yourself first this year much like oxygen masks on a troubled plane trip with kids.

Call a friend - ask someone trusted, ahead of time, if you can call/text anytime you need a break or someone to talk to. Send them a copy of these suggestions so that they are aware of what you are trying to do and are quietly supportive.

Lastly, don't forget - however 2018 ends up playing out, all will be well, eventually.

Wishing you the Season's Best! Though, if you want to once and for all move from surviving to Thriving this year on, get in touch. We'll talk inner game and strategy at length!

beaucoup d'amour, Cheryl

Your gift to the world is your special, original vision. Wouldn't you like to discover it and nurture/share it if your lucky enough to have found it already? What would it feel like to work on something tangible that lights you up day after day?

Adding to Ms. Sher's excellent motivation in the video above, here are some tips that help my clients find what truly inspires them:

1. Inspirational Journal - write in it whenever an idea strikes or you are inspired from life/work/dreams. It is important to emphasize here to focus on things that light you up like a bulb vs things you "feel you must do".
2. Dedicated Space - Have a desk or work space at home clear of clutter and head straight for this space after work. Make your excuses to family ahead of time or as you head to your work area. There are plenty of things at home to distract you - Netflix, snacking, kids, honey-do lists, the couch! If you think your resolve is not strong enough, then stop by your favorite hang-out/coffee shop (grab a healthy snack) and work at least 10mins on your idea or wake up early and work on your idea then.
3. Brainstorming - Think about your project while at lunch, a kid's game or on the commute back from work. This way you will have a checklist of items to work productively on in your 10min timeframe.
4. Timer - You must work on your idea(s) everyday for at least 10mins. If you feel like going past the time, well and good. Otherwise close shop and head over to whatever your usual routine is.
5. Be Specific - "I want to work on my idea" is not enough. Try something like, "I want to finish 2 pages of my book today".
6. Public Announcement - Find a support group or buddy and post what you are going to work on today. Then before you start on your idea, read the positive feedback posted back. Feel free to change groups/buddies till you find your own little cheer-leader(s).
7. Roadblock Days - There will be days like this. Accept it. We are human. It is helpful to think "Progress not Perfection"; not dwell on it and get back to your usual routine as soon as possible.
8. Recognizing Obstacles - If you routinely fizzle out after a great start and that slippery slope keeps getting steeper - be kind to yourself. Know you have options:
   1. Burn bridges. Sometimes you gotta leave yourself with no option!
   2. You may be one of us who love too many things. Refuse to choose but get a coach that will be able to guide you before you get too frustrated. A coach will provide clarity and direction for your creativity.
   3. Do Nothing and be OK with it. Learn to explore life at your own pace. After all "Not all who wander are lost. - JRR Tolkien". Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it.

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Keep paying attention to your life!

​Cheers, Cheryl.

What's up folks!

Since my last post on overcoming procrastination, one lament that has come up time and time again is - "Coach, I suck at discipline. Just do it; just does not work for me. I want the results - lose weight/get great abs, meditate daily, enjoy extra income - but it is hard for me to keep working at it regularly!"

This is easily fixed. Look for place in your daily grind where your daily practice will fit in easily. Research shows that it is easier to create a habit when we do it about the same time each day. First thing in the morning is always recommended but you can be flexible about that. For eg. Wake up, bathroom, brush teeth, meditate for 15mins. Or, get a gym buddy to call you half hour before picking you up from work. Even if you are really tired or it is really cold out there, you won't say no to the buddy waiting below your office. Start small and work your way up. The trick is to keep up with small increments till you reach the tipping point.

tip·ping point
noun

1. the point at which a series of small changes or incidents becomes significant enough to cause a larger, more important change.

The tipping point for each person is different. How much time or money you need to put in, in order to reach that tipping point is unique to every quest or desire. Too often we might give up just when the scales would have tipped to show the change we were aspiring for. "There is no shortage of time or money" - that is a mindset change I ask my clients with goals to affirm to themselves each morning. When we remove barriers from our mind about time and money - anything is achievable. 

So keep with it. Remember to Integrate your goals into your daily grind. Find some way to be held accountable for it. The rest will follow. I am interested in knowing how you do!

I know you all have that friend who could benefit from this advice. Forward it. Like if you found it useful.

Smiles, Cheryl.

The rush of achievement is heady and profitable. But even with coaching, I find many of my clients struggle to keep on track. Considering the cost of procrastination high especially when it concerns relationships, job, taxes or health; I decided to explore the common reasons why we put off doing important things. As always, I try to frame things in a kind, more mindful way. Bringing about change in ourselves by understanding rather than reprimand is a great way to effect successful life-long positive habit formation. In no particular order, they are:
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1. Instant Gratification - Would you rather write up a report your boss wants ASAP or check out what your friends are up to on social media? While both might be gratifying to accomplish, one is more enjoyable. A way out of this is to isolate what you have to do and make it difficult to access the distractions eg. remove the facebook app from your phone so that you have to login with a browser.
2. Chore or Motivation - If you view whatever you seem to be putting off doing as a chore or a drag because you find it unpleasant, boring or triggering, then chances are your mind will find a way around doing it. Using if-then statements usually help you get going with the task/goal. eg: I will work 30 mins on my project first if I want to check social media for 30 mins, or if I work out at least 3 days a week then I can take a cheat day on one of the remaining days.
3. Timing - The time it takes to reach an end goal and each sub-goal matters. Everyone knows exercise is important and extends life-span, betters quality of life, reduces health costs, etc. Yet how many of us post-pone daily exercise for one excuse or another.  Why? Because the joy of an extra hour of sleep is more immediate than the future benefit of daily exercise. It takes time to build a gym body however modest the expectation. A bit like instant gratification. The way out of this sticky situation is positive mood/feeling association. In the gym example, make it easy to succeed at your daily goal by pinning a picture of your goal near your bed, envision how you feel each night in this new body. Recall the feeling of achievement after each successful day that you accomplish going to the gym. Keep gym bag, great fitting gym wear, light snack, hydration ready the night before. Go to bed on time and then when the alarm rings, don’t think - just jump out of bed, grab your stuff and GO!
4. Anxiety - Picture prepping for an interview. You know that you need to write down your pitch, practice it a couple of times by yourself or with a buddy. But we keep avoiding it. Fear holds us back. The fear may be – of succeeding or failing, advocating our skills, public speaking, other’s opinion or news of failing health, etc. The way out is to practice what has worked well in stressful situations before. Deep breathing, doing a bit of the work each day, finding a supportive buddy to gently prod you, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Know that denial does not make the issue go away. It makes it harder to make things right.
5. Overwhelmed or Intimidated? - Delaying something could be our way of feeling in control. After all, if we don’t do it, it can’t go wrong! This could be another form of anxiety. The way out of this is to cultivate mindfulness - acceptance of yourself, using each small prior success to bolster trust in yourself, self-reliance and a knowing that even as you let go each night when you go to sleep, everything is fine when you awake!
6. You think you work well to deadlines - If you have been lucky enough to produce passable or good work just in time to meet a deadline – then kudos to you. But eventually as life gets complicated or with multiple deadlines looming, a putting it off until the last minute approach does not always work. And all the while you know it still needs to be done. Don’t be so hard on yourself and at least plan for any task/project/deadline.  This will give you an idea of what it will take to get the work done well and within time-frame. See if you can delegate some parts of it. Managing other people seems easier than doing it all on your own. Always remember to reward yourself for meeting deadlines way on time. It cements a good habit.
7. Perfection - If you are a self-confessed perfectionist, then you might find it difficult to take action unless you know you can do a job with which you will be totally satisfied. The way out is again cultivating a mindset of acceptance, non-judgement (impartial witness to our experiences) and letting go. There is never a perfect time or perfect job. Mistakes do not define you. They are just opportunities to learn. Do your best and know that everyone else’s opinion is bound to differ from yours. Simple.
8. Low Energy Levels - Apart from not being interested in the goal at all is there a practical reason you lack motivation and enthusiasm? Are you getting enough sleep, water, not going too long between meals and then snacking on whatever you can grab which usually ends in an energy crash. Is there a medical reason for your low energy levels? The way out of this is to do a reasonable job of taking care of your daily health & nutrition habits with apps that remind and track progress and if things don’t get better, get in touch with a doctor to check for underlying medical/addiction issues.
9. Lack of knowledge - This one snuck right past me till it was pointed out very gently by a mentor. Lack of knowledge was making me put off the work. I did not know where to begin and what needed to be done. Don’t fall prey to this common procrastination reason. Invest in a class or find the answers from online forums or mentors or peers. Have patience because the learning curve is a process. There is movement just not in the way you are expecting it. Keep checking in with your mentor/peer group to know when you have enough knowledge to get back on track with your end goal.
10. Setting the bar too high - It’s important to set the bar high enough to encourage you to take action, but not so high that you are likely to fail (which isn’t good for your motivation and drive and fear of failure/fatigue sets in). Set yourself some inspirational-yet-attainable goals. 

​When procrastination hits, pull up this sheet and see what’s holding you back. Ask yourself gently, which of these apply and follow the tips to overcome it. I cannot guarantee the end of procrastination, but at least now you have a solid tool to use when it rears it’s ugly head. Please feel free to add to the list in the comments below or shoot me an email if I can help. Remember to frame your contributions positively.

In 1990, Dr. Edwin Locke and Dr. Gary Latham published their first goal setting theory book, titled, “A Theory of Goal Setting and Task Performance.” Boring title...I agree. So I am going to break it down for you. They outlined five principles for successful goal setting so people can achieve their dreams.  

• Set Clear Goals - "I will run 1 mile every day for the next 30 days", instead of "This year I want to be fit".

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• The Goals must Challenge not Exhaust you - Set up your goals in a way that they excite not overwhelm you. You can actually taste the exhilaration you will experience when you achieve them. Break loftier goals into appropriately timed sub-goals. 

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• Commit to your Goals - Set up a vision board of pictures and/or memes. Carve out a time each morning before touching your cell-phone to visualize achieving the goal. Get a buddy to check in on you or join a common goal group board in real-time or online. Get an app or mark an X on a calendar on the wall. If it is a team goal, get everybody involved in a friendly competition. 

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• Periodically Measure your Progress - Get an app that measures your goal achievement with a progress bar or check how you feel about your goal so far (I use GoalsOnTrack - a paid software around $6/month - but so worth it!).  Post team achievements on a board. Reward progress.

​

• Don't Stress out and Keep Going - Keep going especially when stressed. Readjust or set smaller achievable targets if you find yourself getting frustrated or falling behind too often. One day at a time.

Yes. You've heard it all before. What's new..yawn.

The video above is! Vishen has an innovative approach to goal setting. He says many people find themselves disillusioned because they are setting "means" goals. Goals that society thinks you need to have in place to be happy. We need to set "end" or "life" goals. Goals that appeal uniquely to each one of us. All life goals fall into three buckets:

1. What experiences would I like to have before I cease to exist?
2. How do I want to grow?
3. How do I want to contribute to the planet?

You can download the PDF for the video exercise here. You need a timer. 90 secs per question. The timer shuts down your logical brain and allows the answers to flow from your creative brain. Your inner self. Try it.

It changed my view of goal settting. I can tell you I have been goal setting for a long time and am pretty successful at it. This time though, I felt the beauty and the passion of the goals. I could see them clearly in my mind's eye and am excited to rework my current means goals into those end or life goal categories.

I wish you the same passion! If you need my help you know where to find me.

​Smiles, Cheryl!

 
Ok. That video had some rated language. But Will Smith is right on the money!  We moan and lament and day-dream and blame. But rarely do we take decisive action. Even rarer is goal-oriented action. 

The person who we want to become is defined by the people we spend time with - TODAY; the books we are going to read - TODAY and the actions we are are going to take - TODAY.

With persistence we all can achieve greatness. If you want to reap the benefits of action NOW; enter you email for a worksheet that will help you off to a running start!​ Better still get in touch with me if you are serious about being motivated to unlock your full potential to achieve better health, greater success, more money, better relationships and more time to do what you love. Enough said.

​, Cheryl.

Are you tired, stressed, numb from living life, have a dead-end job/business, searching for a mate, rearing children, chasing better health or just trying to be happy?

If you answered yes to one or more of these, it may be likely that you are trying to please someone other than yourself.

Why you do this could be rooted in the fact that as cavemen we had to be pack animals and needed to feel accepted by the herd, for survival. Or in childhood we felt a sense of safety (or lack thereof) with approval from our parents. We mistake this for love and the fear of not being able to please others becomes huge.

If we knew what made us happy we would be directly motivated to do those things. But not having a healthy sense of self makes us prone to pleasing others to get validation and hence seek indirect motivation.

When we become parents, we pass this fear on to our kids unknowingly, and thus the cycle continues.

Break out of the cycle! Work at self-esteem in these 7 areas.

1. Be present: Be mindful of whatever you do. 
2. Accept Yourself: Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  There is only one you. Improve what you can and accept what you cannot. When you fully accept yourself and that, which you cannot change, you will find innovative ways around things you cannot change. Be at peace with your pace.
3. Take responsibility for yourself: Nobody else cares! Period. Especially the ones who sympathize with you. Care for yourself, your body, what you eat, exercise, and make time for fun (within your budget). You may not think these affect your sense of self and that- it is not your fault that you have "some medical condition" - but it DOES.
4. Be true to yourself (especially under pressure): Stand up for what you feel is right and uphold it unapologetically. Leave situations where you and your feelings are not honored. Anyway, those people are not looking out for your highest good. Remember indirect validation? Of course, be socially aware of where/who you are with. You may have to handle things differently if you are, say, in office than with friends. But you still stand by your basic values.
5. Find meaning in what you do: Living with a purpose always builds self-esteem over time.
6. Your inner voice is the only one that matters: If you act in a way that is against what you believe in, your inner voice will tell you - "you are worthless", over and over again. Looking for validation? Try to not be indirectly motivated. What is your direct motivation or what you value? A good place to start is to find out what makes you overly stressed, angry, put down or depressed.
7. Let the past be in the past: Try not to mix the past with what you are trying to do in the present.

These seven areas are a practice. Working on these consistently, over time, will build self-esteem and self worth. When you value yourself, you will make good decisions and have the courage and motivation to move away from bad ones. You will not put up with toxic or vacuous people. Your healthy sense of self will attract abundance to you in health, love, wealth and life.

If you need a road-map or extra direction in building your healthy sense of self, don't hesitate to get in touch with me (send email here).

With love as always, 
Cheryl

Let me set the stage for two scenes.

Scene 1: The dinner table is laden with food. Mum's getting the roast out of the oven. She's yelling for someone to help. Dad has poured himself yet another whiskey. Sister is draped over the arm of the latest has-been and shouts at you to go help.  You came alone and don't have anyone to entertain anyway. Brother laughs and tells a funny story about a childhood exploit involving you two and he was victor (of course). Funny to everyone except you, that is. Some dubious guest whose name you didn't quite catch is droning away about her job. Her bratty 6 year old is taking sly potshots at your ear with a sling toy. The decor is garish, the music is tinny, the wine cheap.  You wish you could be anywhere but here. But would die of guilt for ditching the "family" on "(insert holiday here) Day"!

Scene 2: You wake up at 6am, as usual.  Hmm..no newspaper, put the coffee machine on, put food in the dog bowl, switch on the TV for the news while you get ready to walk the dog.  Realize it is "(insert holiday here) Day"! Oh no!  Your mind immediately goes back to yester-years.  Your unhappiness with the new boss, the crazy divorce, the friends who had to choose sides, the teenage kids who want, want, want from you and then disappear once they get 'it'. Few family and a dwindling set of boozy friends sending you pity invites. You decline with some feeble excuse.  Your feelings are too raw to deal with probing questions. Now what? The holiday stretches ahead like an endless tunnel. Isn't everyone with family having a wonderful time like the ads on TV.  You are a good person.  You don't deserve this.  Down the rabbit hole you go chasing one negative thought after another...

How to do Holidays like a Boss!!​

1. Be Kind to yourself - ask for help. Rope in kids, family, friends to participate, share or take over tasks, decorating, shopping, cooking, companionship or a safe place to hide from the bustle for a while.
2. Be Kind to yourself - stick to your usual routine as much as possible.  It will give you a sense of normalcy. Instead of a workout at the gym, go for a before or an after dinner walk.
3. Be Kind to yourself - don't feel guilty for putting you first. Just say no to whatever makes you uncomfortable.  Pretend to be a toddler. Have fun with it.  Enjoy everyone else squirming for once. This is your holiday gift to yourself.
4. Be Kind to yourself - progress not perfection is what we are striving for.
5. Be Kind to yourself - safe conversation topics. Prepare a list of 3 topics you can talk about that have no emotional baggage. Change any conversation you do not want to talk about to the three on your list. Repeat if needed. You think you may look silly...who cares...everyone's talking gibberish anyway.  This way you will not feel self-conscious and afterward go crazy dissecting conversations over again in your head.
6. Be Kind to yourself - shields-up for rudeness.  Respond to rude people with a "hmm..interesting..." and then either promptly go back to point number 5 or excuse yourself and walk away murmuring something about hearing your name being called. 
7. Be Kind to yourself - choose moderation in eating, drinking, relationships, etc. Overindulgence only makes the pain go away temporarily.  It comes back with a vengeance, twice as powerful.
8. Be Kind to yourself - Stay off SOCIAL MEDIA.  This needs no elaborating. Rethink this holiday spirit thing.  It does not have to be special.  It can just be another day(s) off work. This is the day to break out the video games even if you aren't into that kind of thing.  Time passes like nobody's business and there's so much to choose from. You can play sports or race cars, focus on strategy, build a new character from scratch, fight anything, shoot deer, you name it - it is out there.  There are web based gaming sites if you don't own high-tech gaming software.  A newbie will die yes but you get another go each time.  The walk-through and game chats are so intuitive in case you get stuck.
9. Be Kind to yourself - Be in the moment.  Don't go thinking about the past.  It is just that.  Over.  Ruining this moment that you have over what you cannot change or the future over which you have no control is waste of this moment.  Be happy in what you choose to do now.
10. Be Kind to yourself - don't isolate.

• If you have the money and the inclination, book a touring trip and go. It is an opportunity to meet like-minded people or just relax and enjoy a trip where someone has done all the planning for you.
• If you are a homebody, and not in touch with family, few/no friends, new to the city, away from home for study/work - go volunteer. The elderly, children or homeless will be so much more grateful for your time and effort than most of the "party types". If actually getting out and volunteering is not your thing, there are virtual volunteering opportunities.  Just google those words for a plethora of sites just waiting for volunteers. It will do wonders for your self-esteem too.
• If volunteering doesn't work for you, shine the spot-light on yourself. Make an agenda for the day.  Take yourself out to the movies or a show, take the trouble to cook for yourself. List what you would like to eat, drink, upbeat music you want to listen to. If you are not a cook, order a whole lotta Chinese food and decorate your own buffet table.
• Think of people you can call who might also be on their own - family in managed care homes, friends who work on shifts, helplines for that equipment which did not work and you never had time to call :)).
• Think of exciting things that you could do/tackle - ones you have been putting off all year; like writing that novel or cleaning out a corner of the room/closet to make more space for a meditation area/new clothes. Curl up by the fire with your favorite beverage and a movie from your childhood that always made you laugh. Reconnect with yourself.
• This actually could be a great time to catch up on your sleep.  Sleep till noon and take more shorter snooze breaks throughout the day(s). Hey - not only are you worth it but while everyone is hungover at work, you will be daisy fresh! Just don't let others in on your secret.
• There are also support groups like Al-Anon, CODA, ADAA, etc or your local church who know that the holidays can be a tough time to get through and they take extra effort to make mentors/support available on phone or in-person at support centers. The help offered is guided by a coordinator and anonymous, non-judgmental and no personal information is required to be shared in order to participate. Don't forget to check the events section of your local rag.

Truly, once you decide to act rather than react to what life throws at you...the possibilities are endless. 

Till the new year...be well!
Cheryl